Reading this morning's Dear Abby was quite a revelation for me. It was all about people who were told by one or two of their parents that they were never wanted. There were four answers to a previous letter which I do not remember having read. Wounded Heart, One Who Knows, Deeply Wounded and Wish I Never Knew were the names of the responders. I wish I had known that many people felt the way I did. When you are little you don't know that something is eating away at your feeling of security. I had problems with friendships in school, for if someone made overtures in my direction, I did not want to get along with a person who had such poor taste. Its like the joke about the man who did not want to join the club that was stupid enough to let him in.
Why did I never go to a counselor who could have saved me from feeling inferior all these years. And why does a nearly ninety year old person worry about cruel things told to her eighty years earlier? Someone who knows, tell me that.
The heat wave is abating and I just had to put on a white cotton sweater. I had breakfast with a good friend this morning. Then I went to the garage to have freon put into my air conditioning. And three pounds of air into a tire that made my car seem to turn to the right even when I wanted to go straight. And I filled up the gas tank. All preparations for going for a ride in the afternoon if the heat wave continued. I made the heat wave go else where.
13 comments:
I don't have any answers, only sympathy.
I'm glad that you have shared your story about being unwanted for two reasons: others may read it like you read Dear Abby today and realize that they are not alone. And in sharing your story, you have had more of a chance of healing and letting ago than when all the pain was bottled up inside and you had to deal with it alone.
Your mother was difficult and, to you, often cruel. And yet you tried your best to make a peace with her. The scars she left will probably never leave you. They are part of you like physical scars. And yet they also made you who you are...gave you enormous strength and an independent spirit.
Your stories are remarkable and you are remarkable.
I have no answers...just admiration. You're amazing.
I just want to agree with the previous comments.
I'm for one is glad that you were born; although I don't know you. And I'm sure many more who have met you during your long life, thank God for you.
Ida
My mother is almost 70. She was also unwanted, a change of life baby. Her mother apologized shortly before her death but it's still apparent that it was too little too late. Unfortunately, I think that it's difficult to ever truly get over a childhood in which you were always made to feel bad or less than or unloved. You were somehow able to rise above and not make your children feel the same way. Too bad my mother as not able to do the same. I wish iI didn't empathize with you but I certainly do. However, of 5 siblings the 2 who have had children have fought very much against feeling unloved or unwanted with their own children who clearly know their mother's love them and they were very much wanted.
You know your mother was a troubled soul, surely herself scarred by someone or something in her life. She should have tried to rise above it and make you, her precious daughter, feel wanted and loved. I know you now know that it was she who was the lesser person. She chose to be so by choosing to hurt you. Yet it still hurts and sometimes you have to take it out and acknowledge it and nurture that little unwanted girl inside. I am glad that you can tell us about it, for yourself and others who are going through the same thing. I also hope it will open some eyes as to how deeply a parent can scar a child if they chose to make them feel unwanted. Know that your mother was wrong, so very wrong to hurt you so. The fact that she did shows her inadequacies, not yours.
On a lighter note, I am glad the heat wave is letting up. I am sure your fellow citizens there are glad you finally took steps to make it go away! lol.
Dearest Svensto... Over the past couple of weeks, I have read every post on your blog. You are an amazing woman. I see what you have been able to do with your life, and I am in awe of you. You have taken every obsticle and turned it around and made something beautiful out of it. For example, the couch you made, or the painting of the ships over your fireplace. You have always known that there is nothing you can't do, and when something needs to happen you are the first one to step up and make it happen.
I am 37 years old, and I have always been stopped cold by such obsticles. I grew up in a home with a loving mother and father but I am unable to convince myself that I am able to acheive what seems impossible. You on the other hand know that nothing is impossible for you. (Except making getting up from the floor now that you're almost 90 - haha)
I was visiting with my 91 year old grandmother the other day and she told me her mother always told her she didn't want her either. She was told she should have been born a boy, and that her mother didn't want any 'damn split tail girl'. All her life, my grandmother tried to make her mother love her. She always worked hard and did everything she thought she could do to change her mothers mind. She, like you, can do anything. She also suffers from low self esteem and cannot see how wonderful she is (just like you).
Yes, your mother was cruel and mean to you and hurt you through out your life, however, she also gave you a gift. I hope now that you are older and wiser that you can see how special you are and know that your mother helped to shape how awesome you are. (Just look at how bad your brother was, and he was loved by her.)
I wish you nothing but good things. I hope the weather cools off for you quickly!
Your admirer,
Susan
I also have no answers. I just wanted to say that I admire you very much.
(((hugs)))
You know, we're all ever so glad that you're here.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. You rose above and made your own beautiful family.
You have also given me some much-needed strength to feel okay that I'm raising my son alone, and away from his father--a man who is obviously tormented by his own childhood and is so cold to my son that he has trouble calling him by his first name, giving him hugs and kisses, praising him. An absence of love and recognition. I keep thinking he's going to change, but I"m not going to take that chance right now when my son is still so young and impressionable (almost 4). The saddest part is that my son was intentionally conceived.
I love your blog. You are such an inspiration. I have always fully-intended to live a very long, rich life. I hope I achieve that goal and if I'm half as amazing as you are, I'll be a content old woman. :o)
There is always the little child in us that is still seeking for proof that we are loved and lovable.
Maybe approach your inner child like she is one of your children. If a bully told your child horrible things you would gather your child to you, dry their tears and tell them it is the bully who is wrong. That the bully is a person with pain inside who is trying to inflict it outwardly on others.
You would never let your child continue to believe the bullys words--for they are just that. Words. Mean, spiteful, stupid words that hold no meaning to who your child really is.
This you must say to your inner child. You are lovable. You are loved and you have value.
No matter what the bullys of this world say.
As others said in above comments. You are amazing...and I hope that you view this blog as a mirror that you look into and see how very special you are.
Kat
Vancouver, WA
There are so many people in the world who are so happy that you were born! I'm one of the most insignificant of those people, just being a reader of your blog - but just imagine the wonderful lives and the wonderful people who would not exist if you never came into being! I wonder what your mother would say if she could see things as they are now - you, a beloved mother, grandmother, and blogger with such an amazing life!
You didn't go to therapy years ago because it wasn't so easy to find. It is there for you now if you want it. There are books and TV shows now to help us who need help, as well as support groups. I see by the comments that many love to read your blog, that touches many also who don't comment! Thanks so much for sharing!
I am Wounded Heart in NY. And I am glad my letter helped. I had to respond to that letter in the paper. It would have been horrible to let the pain become part of someone else. If I could perhaps stop it, then I had to. I pray that Gina never found out. It would serve no purpose. God knows life is hard enough.
Post a Comment